Dating a Former Employee





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I'm a senior, C level executive at a relatively small company (~75 employees). A while ago, I became very close to a direct report. We began spending more time together outside of work; first in groups in normal work/social situations, but the size of the groups got smaller and smaller until we began spending one on one time together. Poor judgment in retrospect, but we really enjoyed spending time with each other and we were both in a similar place in our lives, both going through the ending of long term relationships. In any event, it all came to a head when the rumor mill inevitably started and we were noticed and questioned. We cooled it immediately and avoided being seen together at work or away from work, though we didn't stop talking altogether, and of course we continued to work together closely for the past year+. Note that our company does not have any kind of anti fraternization or workplace dating policies; something we need, but something that I've been a poor champion of for obvious reasons.



She found a different job; and large parts of why she was looking was to resolve the situation:




  1. it made something of a sensitive workplace dynamic and


  2. if we were ever going to enjoy each other's company outside of work, something we both wanted and discussed, we couldn't work together. It doesn't hurt that her new role is a step up in an exciting new direction for her.



So now here we are. Not to get too far ahead of myself, but I don't want to do this poorly and put either of our careers at too significant a disadvantage. I have no idea what the right way to approach this is with my current workplace, though. Considerations include:




  1. morale among current staff and peers, direct reports and otherwise, some of whom we'd consider mutual friends,

  2. perception of my boss and the board,

  3. a reasonable timeline to avoid the appearance of gross impropriety,

  4. other things....?


If and as we begin dating (which could all become moot if it doesn't work for all the reasons relationships don't work out) I don't exactly intend to take out an ad, but these things have a way of getting out, and I frequently attend industry events that often include an invitation for a spouse or partner. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? In many things, you find that you're the only one who thinks to care about these things. In many other things, you find that everybody cares beyond all rational reason. This is salacious enough to easily be the latter, though I'm happy to be pleasantly surprised by the former.



Thanks!










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  • Two good answers, just one point - any concerns by either company about the possibility of sharing confidential info - note I am not saying you would...

    – Solar Mike
    1 hour ago


















5















I'm a senior, C level executive at a relatively small company (~75 employees). A while ago, I became very close to a direct report. We began spending more time together outside of work; first in groups in normal work/social situations, but the size of the groups got smaller and smaller until we began spending one on one time together. Poor judgment in retrospect, but we really enjoyed spending time with each other and we were both in a similar place in our lives, both going through the ending of long term relationships. In any event, it all came to a head when the rumor mill inevitably started and we were noticed and questioned. We cooled it immediately and avoided being seen together at work or away from work, though we didn't stop talking altogether, and of course we continued to work together closely for the past year+. Note that our company does not have any kind of anti fraternization or workplace dating policies; something we need, but something that I've been a poor champion of for obvious reasons.



She found a different job; and large parts of why she was looking was to resolve the situation:




  1. it made something of a sensitive workplace dynamic and


  2. if we were ever going to enjoy each other's company outside of work, something we both wanted and discussed, we couldn't work together. It doesn't hurt that her new role is a step up in an exciting new direction for her.



So now here we are. Not to get too far ahead of myself, but I don't want to do this poorly and put either of our careers at too significant a disadvantage. I have no idea what the right way to approach this is with my current workplace, though. Considerations include:




  1. morale among current staff and peers, direct reports and otherwise, some of whom we'd consider mutual friends,

  2. perception of my boss and the board,

  3. a reasonable timeline to avoid the appearance of gross impropriety,

  4. other things....?


If and as we begin dating (which could all become moot if it doesn't work for all the reasons relationships don't work out) I don't exactly intend to take out an ad, but these things have a way of getting out, and I frequently attend industry events that often include an invitation for a spouse or partner. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? In many things, you find that you're the only one who thinks to care about these things. In many other things, you find that everybody cares beyond all rational reason. This is salacious enough to easily be the latter, though I'm happy to be pleasantly surprised by the former.



Thanks!










share|improve this question









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  • Two good answers, just one point - any concerns by either company about the possibility of sharing confidential info - note I am not saying you would...

    – Solar Mike
    1 hour ago














5












5








5








I'm a senior, C level executive at a relatively small company (~75 employees). A while ago, I became very close to a direct report. We began spending more time together outside of work; first in groups in normal work/social situations, but the size of the groups got smaller and smaller until we began spending one on one time together. Poor judgment in retrospect, but we really enjoyed spending time with each other and we were both in a similar place in our lives, both going through the ending of long term relationships. In any event, it all came to a head when the rumor mill inevitably started and we were noticed and questioned. We cooled it immediately and avoided being seen together at work or away from work, though we didn't stop talking altogether, and of course we continued to work together closely for the past year+. Note that our company does not have any kind of anti fraternization or workplace dating policies; something we need, but something that I've been a poor champion of for obvious reasons.



She found a different job; and large parts of why she was looking was to resolve the situation:




  1. it made something of a sensitive workplace dynamic and


  2. if we were ever going to enjoy each other's company outside of work, something we both wanted and discussed, we couldn't work together. It doesn't hurt that her new role is a step up in an exciting new direction for her.



So now here we are. Not to get too far ahead of myself, but I don't want to do this poorly and put either of our careers at too significant a disadvantage. I have no idea what the right way to approach this is with my current workplace, though. Considerations include:




  1. morale among current staff and peers, direct reports and otherwise, some of whom we'd consider mutual friends,

  2. perception of my boss and the board,

  3. a reasonable timeline to avoid the appearance of gross impropriety,

  4. other things....?


If and as we begin dating (which could all become moot if it doesn't work for all the reasons relationships don't work out) I don't exactly intend to take out an ad, but these things have a way of getting out, and I frequently attend industry events that often include an invitation for a spouse or partner. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? In many things, you find that you're the only one who thinks to care about these things. In many other things, you find that everybody cares beyond all rational reason. This is salacious enough to easily be the latter, though I'm happy to be pleasantly surprised by the former.



Thanks!










share|improve this question









New contributor




Rustler is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.












I'm a senior, C level executive at a relatively small company (~75 employees). A while ago, I became very close to a direct report. We began spending more time together outside of work; first in groups in normal work/social situations, but the size of the groups got smaller and smaller until we began spending one on one time together. Poor judgment in retrospect, but we really enjoyed spending time with each other and we were both in a similar place in our lives, both going through the ending of long term relationships. In any event, it all came to a head when the rumor mill inevitably started and we were noticed and questioned. We cooled it immediately and avoided being seen together at work or away from work, though we didn't stop talking altogether, and of course we continued to work together closely for the past year+. Note that our company does not have any kind of anti fraternization or workplace dating policies; something we need, but something that I've been a poor champion of for obvious reasons.



She found a different job; and large parts of why she was looking was to resolve the situation:




  1. it made something of a sensitive workplace dynamic and


  2. if we were ever going to enjoy each other's company outside of work, something we both wanted and discussed, we couldn't work together. It doesn't hurt that her new role is a step up in an exciting new direction for her.



So now here we are. Not to get too far ahead of myself, but I don't want to do this poorly and put either of our careers at too significant a disadvantage. I have no idea what the right way to approach this is with my current workplace, though. Considerations include:




  1. morale among current staff and peers, direct reports and otherwise, some of whom we'd consider mutual friends,

  2. perception of my boss and the board,

  3. a reasonable timeline to avoid the appearance of gross impropriety,

  4. other things....?


If and as we begin dating (which could all become moot if it doesn't work for all the reasons relationships don't work out) I don't exactly intend to take out an ad, but these things have a way of getting out, and I frequently attend industry events that often include an invitation for a spouse or partner. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? In many things, you find that you're the only one who thinks to care about these things. In many other things, you find that everybody cares beyond all rational reason. This is salacious enough to easily be the latter, though I'm happy to be pleasantly surprised by the former.



Thanks!







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edited 1 hour ago









virolino

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  • Two good answers, just one point - any concerns by either company about the possibility of sharing confidential info - note I am not saying you would...

    – Solar Mike
    1 hour ago



















  • Two good answers, just one point - any concerns by either company about the possibility of sharing confidential info - note I am not saying you would...

    – Solar Mike
    1 hour ago

















Two good answers, just one point - any concerns by either company about the possibility of sharing confidential info - note I am not saying you would...

– Solar Mike
1 hour ago





Two good answers, just one point - any concerns by either company about the possibility of sharing confidential info - note I am not saying you would...

– Solar Mike
1 hour ago










3 Answers
3






active

oldest

votes


















14














Go for it.



She sacrificed her job for you.



Marry her while you're at it so people can't talk shit behind your back anymore. Because at that point, attacking a colleague's spouse is an HR issue.






share|improve this answer



















  • 2





    +1 sometime you just have to go for it, and stop asking yourself to many questions

    – user3399
    17 mins ago











  • A change of job is not really a sacrifice. It would have been a clear sacrifice if she remained unemployed, or went for a much lower paid job, only for the sake of the relationship. Otherwise, I agree.

    – virolino
    12 mins ago





















6














I dated someone from work at a similar size company who was senior to me (although I was not a direct report and she was the level below C-level).



When we made our relationship public (shortly before she left that job) we found that almost everyone who had an opinion was really happy for us.



We're married now, and there's no way that the opinion of anyone from that company could ever be more important to me than hers.



Ask her out.






share|improve this answer































    4














    As long as private matters do not affect job matters, go ahead. The only rule that I know of is: there must be no personal relationship between two people which are hierarchically related (i.e. one is the boss of the other, even if not direct boss).



    I had several pairs of colleagues which had relationships and some even got married and have children, and everything was fine.



    In your case, it is the same. As long as you are not hierarchically related, make any life decision which you see fit.



    If your girlfriend changed jobs in order to make things easier for the personal relationship, then it gives you an extra-hint about her intentions.






    share|improve this answer
























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      3 Answers
      3






      active

      oldest

      votes








      3 Answers
      3






      active

      oldest

      votes









      active

      oldest

      votes






      active

      oldest

      votes









      14














      Go for it.



      She sacrificed her job for you.



      Marry her while you're at it so people can't talk shit behind your back anymore. Because at that point, attacking a colleague's spouse is an HR issue.






      share|improve this answer



















      • 2





        +1 sometime you just have to go for it, and stop asking yourself to many questions

        – user3399
        17 mins ago











      • A change of job is not really a sacrifice. It would have been a clear sacrifice if she remained unemployed, or went for a much lower paid job, only for the sake of the relationship. Otherwise, I agree.

        – virolino
        12 mins ago


















      14














      Go for it.



      She sacrificed her job for you.



      Marry her while you're at it so people can't talk shit behind your back anymore. Because at that point, attacking a colleague's spouse is an HR issue.






      share|improve this answer



















      • 2





        +1 sometime you just have to go for it, and stop asking yourself to many questions

        – user3399
        17 mins ago











      • A change of job is not really a sacrifice. It would have been a clear sacrifice if she remained unemployed, or went for a much lower paid job, only for the sake of the relationship. Otherwise, I agree.

        – virolino
        12 mins ago
















      14












      14








      14







      Go for it.



      She sacrificed her job for you.



      Marry her while you're at it so people can't talk shit behind your back anymore. Because at that point, attacking a colleague's spouse is an HR issue.






      share|improve this answer













      Go for it.



      She sacrificed her job for you.



      Marry her while you're at it so people can't talk shit behind your back anymore. Because at that point, attacking a colleague's spouse is an HR issue.







      share|improve this answer












      share|improve this answer



      share|improve this answer










      answered 4 hours ago









      JackJack

      1,4262810




      1,4262810








      • 2





        +1 sometime you just have to go for it, and stop asking yourself to many questions

        – user3399
        17 mins ago











      • A change of job is not really a sacrifice. It would have been a clear sacrifice if she remained unemployed, or went for a much lower paid job, only for the sake of the relationship. Otherwise, I agree.

        – virolino
        12 mins ago
















      • 2





        +1 sometime you just have to go for it, and stop asking yourself to many questions

        – user3399
        17 mins ago











      • A change of job is not really a sacrifice. It would have been a clear sacrifice if she remained unemployed, or went for a much lower paid job, only for the sake of the relationship. Otherwise, I agree.

        – virolino
        12 mins ago










      2




      2





      +1 sometime you just have to go for it, and stop asking yourself to many questions

      – user3399
      17 mins ago





      +1 sometime you just have to go for it, and stop asking yourself to many questions

      – user3399
      17 mins ago













      A change of job is not really a sacrifice. It would have been a clear sacrifice if she remained unemployed, or went for a much lower paid job, only for the sake of the relationship. Otherwise, I agree.

      – virolino
      12 mins ago







      A change of job is not really a sacrifice. It would have been a clear sacrifice if she remained unemployed, or went for a much lower paid job, only for the sake of the relationship. Otherwise, I agree.

      – virolino
      12 mins ago















      6














      I dated someone from work at a similar size company who was senior to me (although I was not a direct report and she was the level below C-level).



      When we made our relationship public (shortly before she left that job) we found that almost everyone who had an opinion was really happy for us.



      We're married now, and there's no way that the opinion of anyone from that company could ever be more important to me than hers.



      Ask her out.






      share|improve this answer




























        6














        I dated someone from work at a similar size company who was senior to me (although I was not a direct report and she was the level below C-level).



        When we made our relationship public (shortly before she left that job) we found that almost everyone who had an opinion was really happy for us.



        We're married now, and there's no way that the opinion of anyone from that company could ever be more important to me than hers.



        Ask her out.






        share|improve this answer


























          6












          6








          6







          I dated someone from work at a similar size company who was senior to me (although I was not a direct report and she was the level below C-level).



          When we made our relationship public (shortly before she left that job) we found that almost everyone who had an opinion was really happy for us.



          We're married now, and there's no way that the opinion of anyone from that company could ever be more important to me than hers.



          Ask her out.






          share|improve this answer













          I dated someone from work at a similar size company who was senior to me (although I was not a direct report and she was the level below C-level).



          When we made our relationship public (shortly before she left that job) we found that almost everyone who had an opinion was really happy for us.



          We're married now, and there's no way that the opinion of anyone from that company could ever be more important to me than hers.



          Ask her out.







          share|improve this answer












          share|improve this answer



          share|improve this answer










          answered 2 hours ago









          Player OnePlayer One

          1,03149




          1,03149























              4














              As long as private matters do not affect job matters, go ahead. The only rule that I know of is: there must be no personal relationship between two people which are hierarchically related (i.e. one is the boss of the other, even if not direct boss).



              I had several pairs of colleagues which had relationships and some even got married and have children, and everything was fine.



              In your case, it is the same. As long as you are not hierarchically related, make any life decision which you see fit.



              If your girlfriend changed jobs in order to make things easier for the personal relationship, then it gives you an extra-hint about her intentions.






              share|improve this answer




























                4














                As long as private matters do not affect job matters, go ahead. The only rule that I know of is: there must be no personal relationship between two people which are hierarchically related (i.e. one is the boss of the other, even if not direct boss).



                I had several pairs of colleagues which had relationships and some even got married and have children, and everything was fine.



                In your case, it is the same. As long as you are not hierarchically related, make any life decision which you see fit.



                If your girlfriend changed jobs in order to make things easier for the personal relationship, then it gives you an extra-hint about her intentions.






                share|improve this answer


























                  4












                  4








                  4







                  As long as private matters do not affect job matters, go ahead. The only rule that I know of is: there must be no personal relationship between two people which are hierarchically related (i.e. one is the boss of the other, even if not direct boss).



                  I had several pairs of colleagues which had relationships and some even got married and have children, and everything was fine.



                  In your case, it is the same. As long as you are not hierarchically related, make any life decision which you see fit.



                  If your girlfriend changed jobs in order to make things easier for the personal relationship, then it gives you an extra-hint about her intentions.






                  share|improve this answer













                  As long as private matters do not affect job matters, go ahead. The only rule that I know of is: there must be no personal relationship between two people which are hierarchically related (i.e. one is the boss of the other, even if not direct boss).



                  I had several pairs of colleagues which had relationships and some even got married and have children, and everything was fine.



                  In your case, it is the same. As long as you are not hierarchically related, make any life decision which you see fit.



                  If your girlfriend changed jobs in order to make things easier for the personal relationship, then it gives you an extra-hint about her intentions.







                  share|improve this answer












                  share|improve this answer



                  share|improve this answer










                  answered 1 hour ago









                  virolinovirolino

                  4,1052635




                  4,1052635






















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